BIG problem,,

Oh my God, this is gonna be a BIG thing..

that is the first thing comes from my mind after "once again" my girlfriend have found me lie to her.
And it's the 3rd times i've cought lie to her for the same reason.

What makes me feel even worse is because actually, i don't even really need to lie. It's not a serious problem. I can just tell her the truth. And i'm sure she can understand with my condition.
But, i'm not doin' it... i skipped this "explaining to my girl" process and decided to tell her a fake story.

When i lie to her, i'm not feel like i am doing a very bad thing. But now,,after she found out the truth. I feel so much guilty about that. i wish i can turn back the time and fix my mistake..

Because eventough it is not a big lie. But in a man-women relationship, where to trust and openess to each other is a basic, lie is always a BIG problem..

Less than enough,,

So tired but I can't sleep..

I can't remember since when this is happening to me...
maybe for this last couple of month, i can't sleep below late 1 o'clock no matter how tired or sleepy i am.

A lot of things to do yesterday. So, i was sleeping for only 4 hours within a day and yet this night i still can't rest my mind.
Now i began to think that maybe the only reason why i'm sleeping is just because my body doesn't have any more energy to keep me awake. Not because my body is need to be rested.

If that is true, then sleep is no longer a necessity.. It became an obigation.

Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea
...
I'm so tired I can't sleep
I'm anemic royalty
I'm a liar and a thief
I'm anemic royalty
...

Last week before the holly Ramadhan,,

This week is the last week before the holly Ramadhan. And i kinda feel that everyone is moving out their activity schedule to this week. Especially if it was originally scheduled in night, or if it is need a heavy physical activities.

So, this work-hard-party-hard week makes my undergraduate thesis neglected once again..

SUNDAY
* Morning 08.30 - 09.30 AM
Drive my girl to Arjosari terminal. She'll go to Surabaya till wednesday
* Noon 10.00 - 12.00 AM
Friendly futsal match.
Too bad not many people can came. Only 10 man for a whole 2 hours!!!
* Afternoon 04.00 - 06.00
Prepare the material for CSN's Java course. My printer is jammed, so an extra time is needed to print and copy the material.
* Night 07.00 - 08.30
CSN's Java course. Class next to mine is not empty again this time. It is a france language course i suppose. I can hear their funny tone from outside..

MONDAY :
* Morning 09.00 AM - Afternoon 05.00 PM
Desi, Doph and Bam's celebrate their birthday in Jatim Park. I can't believe that is Monday,it's so crowded there. Try the new venue "The Flying Tornado". Makes me dizzy a li'l bit, but It's Sooo AWESOME!! I can feel my adrenaline rush so intense when i ride it. Somethin' that i highly recomend to try.

* Night 07.00 - 09.00 PM
AnD's birthday celebration with "pick yourself what to eat" in Matos food court. And of course all of us pick a different meal. Except Arya who stole my idea to order double chicken at CFC.

TUESDAY :
* Morning 07.00 - 10.00 AM
Wake up, and then sleep again. Not feeling so good and still kinda dizzy by the "Tornado" ride the day before.
* Afternoon 03.00 - 06.00 PM
Prepare the material for CSN's Java course. This time is double meeting, so there's a lot to prepare.
* Night 06.30 - 09.00
CSN's Java course. Double meeting, but fortunately, they all look fine :)

WEDNESDAY :
* Morning 07.30 - 12.00 AM
Badminton match on Watugong court. The last badminton match of the "RabuPagi" group before it's halted in Ramadhan, so everybody is super-pumped, esp Joki who plays 3 matches without a break!!
* Afternoon 04.00 - 05.00 PM
Get a hair cut at Bonny's. I think i've heard someone says that is a good thing if we can get a haircut before the Ramadhan. I don't know if it's true or not. But i just want to do something to celebrate this holly month

THURSDAY :
* Morning 09.00 - 11.00 AM
It's loundry time. It's my first loundry since two weeks ago :). Eww,, i'm sure my Mom will be very angry if she find out about this.. So sorry Mom.
* Afternoon 02.00 - 06.00 PM
Prepare the material for CSN's Java course. Double meeting once again, so a lot to prepare, especially cos i'm not so good with GUI :(
* Night 06.30 - 09.00
CSN's Java course. A lot of thing's to learn today. But, it's going so well cos they're all so enthusiastic about Java's GUI.
* Night 09.30 - 11.00 PM
YM chatting appointment with my fellow Ranger. Too bad gumshoe can't join. Maybe he don't get the invitation message.

FRIDAY :
* Morning 10.00 - 11.30 AM
Goes to CSN to meet my boss and to find out if i can move the rest of my night schedule in 07.00 PM to afternoon in around 03.00 PM. But the class is full in 03.00 PM. So, 01.00 PM is fine then..
* Afternoon 01.00 - 05.00 PM
Is a dating time. I've promise to acompany her shopping in MOG. This is our last time together cos tomorrow she'll back to Surabaya to attend a Job Fair in Tunjungan
* Night 06.30 - 08.00
Still dating time. Dinner in dundee's terrace. The lights surrounds the new football stadium in front of us gives some romantic view.. a very nice concept.

SATURDAY :
* Morning 07.00 - 08.00 AM
Got breakfast together and then ride my girl to Terminal. Gotta go so early in the morning, cos the JOb Fair is started at 10.00, and she don't want to get the last line.
* Morning 09.00 - 11.00 AM
AIESEC's Exchange participant (EP) promo seminar in economic faculty. I got the invitation personally by SMS and it's free. I don't have any reason to not come.

* Noon 11.00 AM - 01.00 PM
Goes to library to get some free internet access. The AIESEC's promo finished at 11.00. So, i can't attend this weird named seminar : "Sambal Blog Dalam Sepiring Tulisan".
* Afternoon 02.00 - 05.00 PM (Scheduled)
Another badminton match.
New opponent will always make a nice fight. So, i don't wanna missed it.

Wew.. btw, after i wrote those list, now i think that i was actually not so on a "thight schedule" after all.  And i've should manage some time to do a research or reading to get my thesis on progress..  So, sorry i can't do that. But don't worry hunney, i still remember my promise to finish it on November. Gotta struggle more..

Capital Market 101,,

My favourite Indonesian politician is Jusuf kalla, the vice-president. I admire and so proud on him and his logical thinkin' about what is this nation needs to improve.

Recently on a Today's Dialogue show about Indonesia's BUMN (a profit institution that owned by the state) future on MetroTV, he easily outspoken the know-it-all-blame-it-all Amien Rais (Indonesia reformation icon politician). I can't remember all details of that debate. But the main idea is like this :

Jusuf Kalla : "Garuda Indonesia is now a profitable company owned by our nation. This company is never gain profit until this year. So now, we need to improved it more by selling some of it's stock share"

Amien Rais : "So the issue about the goverment want to to sell some of it's BUMN is true??"

Jusuf Kalla : "Yes.. In order to advance, we need to do that"

Amien Rais : "i don't know what is the goverment want by selling high profitabel Indonesia's assets like Garuda Indonesia and Indosat and in the same time we manage to keep the always profit-loss company"

Jusuf Kalla : "I have a great respect to you Mr. Amien, but i don't think this conversation will be over. This because you don't know the basic of capital market. To make a company to gain more profit, we need to gain more capital. And to gain more capital, we have to sell some of the stock in the stock market. And an always profit loss company will never can be sold on the stock market. That's why we keep it and improved it first before we sold it to improve them. This case is like the Garuda Indonesia's case. It's a profitable company now, so we can sell it's stock to foreign investor"

(MC) : We'll be right back after the break..

As you might notice,, that the previous conversation is highly improved by my own herb and spices seasoning to make it more fun to read. But still, I think in that show J.K. have give Mr.Amien Rais a capital economy 101 lesson.. a very good one.

Campuss : we accept "donation",,

Ahahaha.. a very funny jokes were told by my friend a few days ago when we're reading an article in the newspaper about the "massive" amount of fee that the fresh student had to pay to be accepted in seferal "elite" faculty in our campus from the "special way" (jalur khusus) program. She said that PMDK, a student acceptance program without a test, is now sort from "Penerimaan Mahasiswa Dikarenakan Kaya" (roughly translated : student acceptance by the couse of being rich).

I know she became a very sceptical because her sister was almost cought into that "PMDK" program too, and their parent had to pay for about Rp 40 million for being accepted. And still that was not an "elite" faculty either. Luckily, she can manage to be accepted through SPMB, a student acceptance program with a national test, so they don't need pay that amount of money..

So, that story is reminds me about a very interesting story that i've read a few years ago. There's a research about the three categories of Harvard student : the super diligent student, super smart student, and super rich student.
As predicted, the super diligent student got the best grade in college with GP more than 3.5, followed by the super smart student with an average grade, and then the super rich student who got the worst grade.
But then, when they all graduated from Harvard, the condition is became upside-down. Most of the super diligent student got a very strategic position in a multinational company. As a chief technician, chief engineering, marketing manager, etc. But the super smart student got a higher position, as a CEO, president, or vice president in a multinational company. And then, also as predicted before, the super rich student got even higher position : as the board of director or an owner of those multinational company.

This "PMDK" phenomena is maybe will create a condition like those previous story in our campus. But then, is not a bad scenario either. So, i don't think we need to be so sceptical about that. It is normal and logic. Every campus development always need a big amount of money, and the super rich students is always a "quick" source of that "donation". And don't under-estimate the "PMDK" students.. they can be your boss someday. hehehe.. :)

Basic of creativity,,

One time, my friend asked me.. why d'you write blog? is there any benefit to yourself? It's a simple question actually. But i don't know why, i can't answer that question instantly. I have to think about it a few moment. And then my best answer is this:
"i write blog because "i need" to express myself". And yes, i really mean it when i say "i need". It was me.. i am the one who need to write this blog. The World wide web, or the whole internet society never asked me to write,, and yet i'm still continued to write in here.

The need of expressing ones feeling or though is a basic human social needs. It is something equal to the need to be loved, to be noticed, to be usefull to someone else and so on.
But then, in this case of the need to express feeling or though, human can be very creative, unique and unpredictable. That is,i think, maybe because of the super-complexness and tremendous diversities that can be found in every living human's mind. Therefore, to express his/her own mind, someone might do something that is beautifull, "different" and sometimes really impressive to someone else.

The easiest example is my favourite band, the dashboard Confessional, that writes song with their mind.. a really deep and heart touching lyrics even for a single moment that can be happened in every men's life. Next is Affandi,, an abstract painter. Why did he paint an abstract?? maybe because an abstract is the best way to paint what's in his mind. Joe Satriani, a musician who "plays" his mind so beautifully with his guitar. Mozart with his music. Goerge Lucas and Wachowski brothers (did i spell it correctly??) with their extraordinary movies. J.K. Rowling and Tolkien who write their fantasies world that happened in their minds. Or even Copernicus and Charles Darwin, who are expressed their great though of life with their own theory, even if it was something that is very un-common and different from everyone else.

So, this need to express ourselves is maybe something that God had given to us so we can understand art and beautifullness. It is the need that really important to us to have and maintained. To me, it is a basic for a so called creativity. Because even the earliest art found in this world, a caveman painting in the cave wall, is something that express the painter's mind in that time..

Over-pumped,,

I was used to think that my english is good,, or even excelent. I can think that way, because from my elementary-school years, i always scores great in english test. In a lot of cases, i even scores best in my class. My toefl was once hit into 580 and toeic got it into 855. So, when i go to this kind of "international education expo" last week, where the representer of the university is mostly foreigners (ussualy australian), i'm pretty confidence that i can chat with them easily. And i do want to chat with them just to prove it.. :)
But first, as a warming up, i go to this table: UNSW (University of New South Wales), hmm,i've once heard 'bout this univ, kinda good one too.. the representer is an indonesian, so a few chit-chat is goin on in my mother language (now known as "bahasa"). After enough know 'bout the main-line of this expo, then i became more confident. Next table is Swinburne Univ. This time i met an India-n girl, her name is Ms. Mashraaj. i read the name plate on her blouse. And here is where the trouble began.. Ms mashraaj english was really a good one, she says it so "loud and clear" that me n my friends there all fully understand what she says when she explained 'bout the postgraduate program in Swinburne. But when i try to responed her with some question, she seemed to have trouble to understand what i say. I have to repeat the question 1-2 times. Do i heard as "strange" or "different" when i said the question?? or do my english is simply screwed up??
The next table and after it even more worse. The representer is australians, and not only they have dificulities to understand to what i said, but also i have trouble to understand what they said too. So there's some missunderstanding happened between us. Luckily the representer is always accompanied by Indonesian from Alfalink, so if the missleading happened between us, they can quickly interupted and explain the problem better for both of us.
Lesson that i can take from that day experience is :: Don't trust too much on test result. In the real world everything is totaly different, and so we have to learn it from the begining once again. For example in toefl test, the test speakers in listening sessions speaks in very clear and excelent english. But, in the real world, english is "rough", fast and conditional. So that we can mastered it only with practicing in the real world. Reminds me 'bout programming too.. the real world is totally diferent from the test pack.
Experience is indeed the best teacher. So, go out and seek it.. :)

For those who can't do = teach!!.

Besok,, saya mulai kerjaan baru saya, jadi "instruktur" a/k/a, pengajar,mentor, guru, teacher, sensei. Kerjaan yang dulu pernah saya anggep kind of "low" karena citra kualitas pengajar kita yang kurang dan kompensasi yang didapatkan (baca : gaji) yang kurang menjanjikan.
Tapi, itulah satu2nya hal yang bisa saya lakukan sekarang.. dengan skill programming yang masih pas2an dan belum punya gelar apa2, kynya g mungkin juga nekat buka software house, ato jadi programmer freelance gitu. Dan ini bikin saya sadar, mungkin orang2 kayak saya inilah yang bikin jelek citra pengajar. Skill pas2an dan kemauan juga setengah hati. Jadi pengajar cuma karena "daripada gak ada kerjaan lain" ato buat saya "daripada gak ngapa2in" dan "buat cari pengalaman".
Jadi, kerjaan yang seharusnya mulia dan membawa tanggung jawab besar, karena banyak orang bergantung pada kita, jadi dianggep kerjaan yang kurang oke dan "murah". Padahal, Klo dalam perusahaan, direktur digaji paling besar alasannya tentu karena tanggung jawab dan pengalamannya paling besar. Berarti klo dianalogikan, pengajar harusnya jadi profesi yang paling "mahal" dan "tinggi". Tapi itu juga menurut saya cuma cocok buat pengajar yg bener2 mengajarkan sesuatu.. buat yang pas2an kayak saya dan banyak yg lainnya,mungkin prinsip itu memang harus kalah sama hukum ekonomi.
Pikiran saya dulu (secara logis) kira2 versi kasarnya seperti ini : "ngapain saya kerja susah2, nyante2 aja lah, kan gajinya jg g seberapa" dan "yg saya cari kan pengalaman kerja buat saya, murid2nya g ngerti ya whatever lah". Tapi sekarang, setelah kerjaan itu jadi benar2 dekat sama saya, saya jadi paham, dalam hidup ini g ada logika,, memang gajinya kecil, tapi tanggung jawabnya besar sekali, murid2 saya mungkin bergantung 100% pada saya. Dan klo saya bersikap "seenaknya" akan mengecewakan mereka.. Dan gaji juga bukan satu2nya kompensasi yg akan saya dapat. Dari mengajar itu, akan ada banyak pengalaman yang pasti akan bermanfaat, dan juga akan mengasah dan meningkatkan skill saya sendiri.
Kata salah satu dosen saya, Mr. Arif rahman : "ilmu itu kekayaan yang bila diberikan pada orang lain, jumlahnya tidak akan berkurang, tapi malah semakin bertambah"

sensei : sen (previous) + sei (birth).
Sensei = orang yang lebih dahulu lahir. Filosofinya, karena lebih dulu lahir itulah, seseorang jadi lebih ngerti dan lebih berpengalaman, dan akhirnya bisa "ngajarin" orang2 yang lahir belakangan.

Enter d' Matrix

Kira2 sudah lebih dari 3 minggu sejak terakhir kali saya buka internet. Akses internet saya yg rata2 paling cuma bisa 1 jam perhari lewat hp LG saya yang "super-keren-sekali" itu, harus saya relakan buat dipake yayang yang waktu itu lagi sibuk2-nya nyelesein skripsi. Dan lab komputer di kampus pun juga lagi tutup karena lagi ujian dan libur. Buat ke warnet ato ke tempat2 hotspot lain, paling banter saya cuma bisa sejam-dua jam per minggu..
Selama masa tanpa koneksi internet itu, sebenernya g ada masalah sih, karena waktu itu juga lagi sepi kegiatan. Tapi tetep,, saya merasa ada yang hilang dari diri saya. Yaitu bagian diri saya yang ada di dalam "The MAtrix" ini. Selama tidak ada koneksi internet, otomatis semua identitas diri yang ada di dunia maya saya tinggalkan. KArakter game, alamat email, profile di frenster, blog ini, forum2,, tidak bisa saya akses, padahal semua hal tersebut tanpa disadari merupakan bagian hidup saya. Karakter game bagaikan tampilan dalam kartun 2D tentang karakter di dalam diri kita, alamat email bagaikan alamat rumah dimana kita menerima tamu, profile frenster bagaikan wajah kita yang orang lain lihat saat bertemu,, dst.. dst..
Selama ini "the matrix" atau yang diindonesiakan dengan kurang keren sebagai "dunia maya" sudah menjadi bagian hidup. Sudah hampir tidak "maya" lagi, karena segala sesuatu di dunia elektronik ini sudah semakin dekat dengan kehidupan dan sudah semakin nyata. Di Amerika saya dengar ada seseorang yang dinyatakan bangkrut dan hidupnya hancur karena identitasnya di dunia maya dicuri. Uangnya di dunia nyata hilang, karena rekeningnya di Bank dikuras dan ditutup oleh si pencuri. Bahkan status kewarganegaraannya pun hilang, karena nomer jaminan sosialnya disalahgunakan.
Bukan tidak mungkin, beberapa abad ke depan, kehidupan nyata dan "the matrix" sudah tidak bisa dibedakan lagi,, kita mungkin akan dikenali dari nomer2 yang ada di dunia maya, kita mungkin bekerja juga di dunia maya, bersenang-senang di dunia maya, berinteraksi dengan orang lain lebih jauh di dunia maya juga, bahkan sebagian besar hidup kita dihabiskan di dunia maya. Dengan perkembangan teknologi Virtual Reality yang saya yakin pasti akan terjadi, hal tersebut sangat mungkin terjadi.
"Tidak ada jaman dimana kehidupan manusia stagnan selama lebih dari 100 tahun". Dan misalnya dimasa depan kehidupan manusia memang berubah menjadi semacam itu, maka hal tersebut menurut saya juga bukan kenyataan yang buruk. Bayangkan saja kehidupan seperti film "the matrix" tetapi dengan versi lebih "cerah" dan tanpa perang manusia vs robot. :)

1/100 dari 1 persen..

Barusan saya liat acara dokumenter di MetroTV, dan salah satu pernyataan yang paling "menggugah" saya bahwa ternyata dalam DNA seluruh manusia di bumi, keragaman yang ditemukan cuma 0,01% dari seluruh rangkaian gen. Jumlah keragaman ini lebih sedikit daripada keragaman genetika yang ditemukan di koloni simpanse pada satu kawasan hutan saja.
Sangat mengherankan, melihat semua jenis manusia di dunia dengan beragam warna kulit, rambut, bentuk muka, tinggi badan, bentuk mata, bahkan pemikiran dsb, ternyata perbedaan2 tersebut cuma "sedalam kulit".
Sisa acara dokumenter yang saya liat itu lebih membahas teori tentang bagaimana "ketidakberagaman" itu terjadi, terutama teori tentang ledakan gunung berapi super di danau Toba yang membuat sebagian besar manusia bumi punah dan cuma menyisakan beberapa ribu manusia di afrika timur yang jadi nenek moyang semua manusia di bumi sekarang.
Hal yang lebih saya pikirkan, yaitu kenyataan bahwa ternyata semua manusia di bumi hampir sama. Secara genetik hanya ada maksimal 0,01% perbedaan. Lalu kenapa kita sangat berbeda?? Guru biologi saya di SMA mengatakan bahwa yang membentuk ciri khas suatu individu itu faktor genetik dan lingkungan. Kalo secara genetik kita sama, berarti perbedaannya cuma pada faktor lingkungan.
Kalo ternyata orang indonesia dianggap kurang produktif dibanding orang jepang misalnya, ternyata yang membentuknya cuma faktor lingkungan. Kalo pikiran kita kurang kritis dibandingkan orang eropa misalnya, ternyata yang membentuknya juga faktor lingkungan. Lingkungan kita yang mayoritas tidak terbiasa bekerja dengan dedikasi tinggi dan berpikir secara kritis dan logis. Lingkungan yang bagaimanapun juga adalah lingkungan kita, lingkungan yang sebaiknya dan seharusnya bisa kita rubah.

black sheep and the lessons..

Hari ini, hampir 3 minggu sejak panggilan wawancara kerja pertama saya. Tapi sampai sekarang masih ga ada panggilan lagi. Yah okelah, kayaknya saya emang g diterima. Walaupun berat, saya dah ikhlasin. Kenapa berat? yaa, kapan lagi sih ada kerjaan part time yang oke di kota ini. i got the chance.. but, too bad i missed it.
Kayaknya semua syarat2 udah lengkap, proses wawancaranya juga lumayan lancar,, mungkin yang bikin saya gagal itu di ultimate question dari si pewawancaranya: "Jadi, klo anda diterima disini berapa gaji yang anda harapkan??" Dengan penuh pede saya menyebutkan nominal yang lumayan besar..
Oke, seseorang pernah ngomong dengan saya, klo anda mencoba pertama kali, itu belum bisa dikatakan gagal. Berarti saya nggak gagal dong? mungkin masih belum saatnya aja.. dan well, at least i can learn something from it. Dan pelajaran yang paling saya ingat: Jangan minta bayaran gede klo kerjanya part-time, apalagi di tempat kecil. :)

Kenapa pake mahasiswa di acara komedi??

Acara2 macam republik BBM, republik mimpi, democrazy menurut saya gak lebih dari acara komedi semata. Walaupun ada unsur-unsur politiknya,tapi politik yang ditampilkan juga dikit dan cetek banget.
Lalu kenapa penontonnya harus dari mahasiswa?? lelucon yang ditampilkan disana juga bukan lelucon yang "pintar" yang hanya bisa dicerna oleh kaum berpendidikan (yang dicerminkan dengan mahasiswa tadi). Jadi apa cuma supaya acara itu jadi terangkat prestisenya karena ditonton mahasiswa?
Tambah lagi sekarang acara yang benar2 "komedi bgt" empat mata ikut2 ditonton mahasiswa secara berombongan (baru-baru ini dari UB juga). Para mahasiswa itu,yang datang jauh2, dngan bangganya pake jas almamater, yang menandakan statusnya sebagai mahasiswa itu.
Yang lebih menyebalkan, mahasiswa di acara2 tadi gak lebih cuma sebagai orang yang nonton sambil ketawa2 saja. Saya pikir ga perlu menonjolkan status sebagai mahasiswa kalo disana cuma nonton dan ketawa2 saja.
Oke, acara2 itu emang bagus, menarik, dan saya sendiri juga sering nonton (acara 4 mata malah sering banget nonton,hampir tiap tayang). tapi pas nonton itu, saya bukan sebagai mahasiswa yang pake jas almamater, tapi sebagai orang biasa yang butuh hiburan.
Saya pingin masa bodoh dan sok2 nggak tau, tapi tetep.. karena saya mahasiswa juga, saya merasa bahwa mahasiswa yang pake jas almamater di acara komedi agak merendahkan.